6 Week Checkup & a Hotel Booking

I quickly realized that by the time my 6 weeks was up, I would be out of town, on a weeklong vacation. I called Dr. Watts and scheduled a post-op visit -- it would officially be 5 weeks when I met with him. I went with my mom, for support. 

We walked into the room, I took off my pants, underwear, and put my legs on the stirrups. It's silly. Because the first time I did this, I was humiliated. Now, I'm thinking, "Here! I'll spread my legs if you have fixed my genitals!" I'm a little bit inappropriate - but can't help but think of being humorous throughout this hard trial of mine. Dr. Watts entered the room and got down to business. He stuck his finger 'up there.' I noticed, and it was tight, but there was no pain. He said: 

"You are looking excellent! I bet if you went to any other gynecologist, they would have no idea that you got this surgery performed. You look great! You can begin having sex, using tampons, and getting back to your life!" My mom began asking questions, simply because she didn't quite understand the exact way that the surgery worked. Dr. Watts said, "Do you mind if I show her?" "No! Go ahead!" 

Dr. Watts showed my mom the exact procedure that he completed. The tissues he cut, and where he stitched back together. After our questions were answered, Dr. Watts proceeded to say, "Congratulations. I'm super happy for you. And hey! Maybe I'll be the one to deliver your baby!" He walked out of the room. My mom and I embraced each other and I began to cry, uncontrollably. My vulvodynia was gone. This was fixed. I was no longer broken. I was going to go about living a normal newlywed life.

My mother gave me an awesome idea! She said, "You should think about taking your husband out to dinner and get a hotel room where you spent your wedding night. Not that it will be a "do-over," but you can kind of think of it that way. Ohhh man. That was such a great idea! I instantly called the Little America hotel & Ruth's Chris and got dinner reservations. I was going to take my husband out on a hot date. Though my nerves were jittery, I was so excited. I remember the amount of hope I had inside of me. I was courageous, but I was also pretty confident. I was so excited to experience this with my husband, once and for all.

The Surgery

As I walked into the doctors office, they took me into the room where the surgery would take place. I removed my pants & underwear, laid my legs on the stirrups, and anxiously waited Dr. Watts to enter the room. He quickly came in & gave me some brief instructions. "You are going to be very tender down there for a few weeks. It will be difficult, but it will be okay. I want to see you back here in 6 weeks. No sex or any type of penetration until then." 6 weeks? Easy peasy. Well, if this was the cure. Here goes nothing. 

The anesthesiologist proceeded to enter the room. I will never forget how amazing he was. He was a third-party "business" from Texas. He asked me what my favorite singer was. "Taylor Swift!" I said. His wife gave me a bar of soap to sniff while I was falling into my sleep. Listening to Taylor Swift, imagining a trip with her in the Bahamas, and sniffing a delicious bar of soap, 3 - 2 - 1- I was out. 

I remember waking up to Dr. Watts giving my mother instructions. I only remember laughing, nothing else. Anesthesia does some funny things to people.  My mom took me home & I slept like crazy. 

After waking up and being aware of my surroundings, I had the opportunity to talk to my mother about what Dr. Watts said about the surgery. She proceeded to say, "He said the surgery went good. He did say that you were extremely flared up down there and that you had a severe case of vulvodynia. He said he thinks that it will completely cure you. No sex for 6 weeks. Pads, not tampons. Take it easy for 2 weeks. The stitches will dissolve on their own. Soak in the bath often." 

My mother was there for me every second of that recovery. I am so grateful for her patience, persistence, and the true nurturing attitude she had toward me. For the first four days of recovery, it was probably the most pain I have ever been in. Now, I haven't been through much in my lifetime. I probably have a low pain tolerance, or something. On the other hand, it was very hard for me to walk for a couple days. I hoped so so bad that it was worth it. The fact that it hurt so bad made me think Dr. Watts had to have done something pretty drastic! 

6 weeks would be nothing. I had already gone a little over a year and a half with the most excruciating sex life possible. 6 weeks would breeze by, and then, we would try it again.

The Treatments

After I was diagnosed with vulvodynia, my doctor gave me plenty of options to try. I read countless articles online, from those who had no cure whatsoever, to those who recently had surgery and had a possible cure. It didn't seem as if there was much hope. I even joined a forum site where women would talk to each other about their triumphs and successes, and their struggles and NO curability. It scared me. I began trying each cream. From numbing cream, to a cream called Premarin to help the inflammation go down. Nothing helped. I was starting to become completely hopeless. I went to my same doctor for a few months now, and though she was very friendly and knowledgeable, it seemed like she was a little bit hopeless for me. 

After she had exhausted all of her options, she referred me to a doctor named Dr. Watts in Salt Lake City, Utah. Immediately, I had a good feeling. I'd always believed in the Holy Ghost, and I did have a pretty great feeling around me. I made an appointment to meet with Dr. Watts and went, with my mother in tow, to support me. Dr. Watts explained many wonderful things. He touched me around the opening of my vagina with a q-tip, and asked, "Does this hurt?" I nodded, with my eyes clenched tight in excruciating pain. After the little test, he barely touched my arm with the q-tip and said, "This is how lightly I was touching you. You have a pretty severe case of vulvodynia. It seems as if we've tried most of our options and I would say that it's time for surgery." I sighed, simply because from day 1, I always believed I would have surgery down there. Dr. Watts continued to tell me that he did around 15 surgeries a week, most of them in the hospital. He told me he had 90% success rate with this surgery. I quickly glanced at my mom, gave her a quick smile, and glanced back at my doctor. This was it. We were getting some help. 

Before leaving, Dr. Watts took my hand, looked me straight into the eyes, and said, "We're going to fix this. We'll find a cure."  After leaving, my mom and I looked at each other, and instantly started bawling. It was quite the experience. We both knew this was the doctor. We both had high hopes & we were both so excited to try something that had a very high success rate.

I was getting a vestibulectomy. I scheduled the date then and there. I got the pricing since my insurance didn't cover it. And I loved Dr. Watts. Lots of tears were shed. There was a whole lot of happiness & hope I had inside of my heart. 

Finding the Diagnoses

As I stated previously, we eventually cut sex completely out of our lives due to the excruciating pain I was experiencing. We moved to a few different states and I wasn't comfortable seeing a doctor right off the bat. I thought I was the only one dealing with this kind of thing. I googled my symptoms. But got no answers. I became depressed over the days because I felt like I couldn't even give my husband what he so desperately needed.

I began fighting with my husband. We had a great relationship. It was just that no sex allowed me to feel completely broken as a woman. I felt as if I couldn't fulfill my roll to please my husband. I was angry. My whole life, I had planned on sharing this spectacular moment with my husband, and now, I couldn't have it. I was really really angry. 

When I think of how my husband acted during this time, I can't help but smile. He didn't need sex to feel loved. He needed touch, of course. He needed intimacy and romance, service and much much more. Not having sex in our relationship truly taught us how else we can show each other we love one another. 

In the Fall of 2012, we moved to a state we planned on being in for awhile. I decided to open up to my mother about what I had been going through. We cried through our tough times and she helped me. She didn't understand. She was there and could be there for me as much as she could, but she just didn't get it. And that hurt me. Because she was my mom. I wanted her to understand so badly. That in itself made me bawl myself to sleep. 

A few months after telling my mother, I decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN. Better late than never, right? After becoming super awkward and hurting every time my doctor even touched me, she finally diagnosed me. 

"You have vulvodynia. A condition that makes your vulva flare up and hurt during intercourse and potentially, more, like most people experience. We're going to give you some estrogen creams and oils and have you try those before we automatically hop into the solution of surgery. Because we have a 60% success rate with this Premarin estrogen cream." 

After walking out of the office, I was ecstatic. I was so excited that we had finally found a cure. My doctor wrote a prescription for a cream called Premarin cream and I tried it for three weeks before I tried sex. And it worked. Did it hurt? Yes, really bad. Could I still have sex without it hurting? No. But I could have sex. And that's really all I cared about at the moment. I cried the whole time having sex because I was so excited. And the next day, when we tried, it wouldn't work again. After trying every day, instead of helping my husband in other ways, I would run to the bathroom, and just sob.

This went on for a few months. I didn't want to give up. I would become more spiritual, pray to Heavenly Father, and ask Him to just please heal me. But life doesn't work that way. I continued to try sex. It never worked. I was angry. I saw a therapist, not mentioning my diagnoses, and he said it sounded like I had anxiety & depression. I agreed. Immediately. And I honestly blame this condition. 

The Honeymoon and After

We went on a cruise to Nassau & Freeport, Bahamas. We had a blast! As we walked into our tight-knit room, we set our stuff on the bed & began making out. It was awesome. We took off our clothes and kissed each other on the neck and on the chest and on the stomach. We had sex. And it hurt. So bad. I tried my hardest to pretend like I was into it, you know, just like the movies show. But it was excruciating pain. The second it was over, I was incredibly relieved. I couldn't wait to just lay on the bed and not hurt so bad.

Each time after we had sex, it seemed like the pain got worse and worse. I hated sex. I always tried to steer away from it. I would even go the extent of going to buy myself ice cream so I would get sick and have an excuse. Of course this was not healthy. I needed to tell my husband how I felt. I needed to express my frustrations and my pains.

A few weeks later, I expressed my frustrations, pains, and emotional toll that sex had on me to him. Being the amazing, wonderful, and understanding man that he is, he worked with me to find out what exactly was going on with me.

After that, we cut sex out of our lives. We would try almost every day, but it never worked. I cried every single time. I cried because it was excruciating. I cried because I didn't feel like I was a good enough wife to please my husband. I cried because my sister talked about how amazing her sex life was all the time. I cried because my husband didn't get sex. He got other things, yes. He never got sex, though. He never got the whole thing. I cried. Every single day. And I didn't understand why my body didn't allow me to have sex.

I was confused. My mother had told me many stories about girls who were very tight down there and had to stretch out by having sex and it hurt for the first little while. But it wasn't like that. After a few months, my body wouldn't even allow me to have sex. If I could have just handled the pain and gave my husband what he deserved so much, it wouldn't have been this big of a deal. But it was. I couldn't even have sex. I couldn't stick a finger up there. And I couldn't even use tampons anymore. It got worse & worse. And I just didn't understand. 

The Wedding

I woke up at 4 o'clock & the day had finally come! My hairstylist came to my parents house & I reminisced over & over about the perfect day I was about to have. My parents & I drove to the Salt Lake City Temple. As we walked into the temple, I saw the man I loved waiting for me. He was nervous with shaky palms because we we were late...my dad had to grab an Egg McMuffin.

During our temple sealing, a few things stuck out in my mind. The mirrors. As you look in front of you, you see infinite mirrors. If you look behind you, you also see infinite mirrors. I remember learning about how we come to life to get sealed to an eternal companion. We are standing still. Everything behind us has brought us to this moment. Everything in front of us is going to reflect on our marriage, our lives together, and the covenants we made. It was beautiful. To this day, it still makes me cry when I attend a sealing.

I also remember some advice we received in the temple: to love each other, to pray every single night together & to pray for each other. The rest seemed to be a blur, simply because I was so extremely consumed with the beauty of his hazel eyes, his smile, and the way he was lightly rubbing my hand as he was holding it.

The day was just perfect. We returned to my parents house and got ready for the reception. We went to lay down to rest  and I remember saying, "Can I see it?" I was still a virgin. I hadn't even seen a "male part" up close and personal. He showed me & I laughed. Then I showed him. And he gasped. We didn't do anything physical. But just said, "I'll show you mine & you'll show me yours." Kind of funny. Okay, really funny.

The reception was fun. We got to see almost everybody we ever loved & cared about. It was beautiful. And it couldn't have gone more perfect. After the reception, we drove to The Little America to spend our first night as husband and wife together. The hotel room was beautiful. There was sparkling cider, chocolate covered strawberries, and a golden key with our wedding date carved into it. The bed was fancy & the bathroom was gorgeous. As we arrived, I said, "Let's go hot tubbing!" We got in our suits & went downstairs, realizing it was super busy. We resorted to going upstairs & taking a bath in the huge tub...in our swimsuits. We kissed and talked and kept talking about how perfect the day was.

In the bathroom, I slipped on a beautiful white tulle lingerie set my room mates had given me a few weeks prior. I felt so beautiful. I was so eager and excited to see the look on his face when I came out of the bathroom. After walking into the bedroom, he was laying on the bed. He looked at me, tears filled his eyes, and he told me I looked beautiful. I jumped on the bed. We shared countless I love you's, and kissed some more.

The moment that I had been thinking about my whole life was here. We were about to have sex. As he kissed me, we rolled over and I was lying on my back. We didn't necessarily know what we were doing. But we tried penetration and it didn't work. We both assumed it was because I hadn't ever had sex before and that I was probably too tight. We continued to kiss, snuggle, and love. Though sex didn't work for us, it was still absolutely perfect.

A few hours later, we sat on the chairs next to the table, talking, laughing, and eating the delicious chocolate covered strawberries. I felt a bit embarrassed that our first time didn't consist of a ridiculous orgasm the way you see it in the movies followed by a second round ten minutes later. But instead, it was loving. It was gentle. Still, it was perfect. 

Waiting Until Marriage

I grew up in similar homes as other Mormon kids in Utah. I was raised by dependent and devoted parents who weren't necessarily authoritarian but weren't permissive either. We believed in many things the rest of the universe seemed to become confused over.

We don't believe in drinking alcohol or doing drugs. We don't believe in showing too much skin and dressing immodestly. We believe that families can be forever and that death isn't the end. One of the things that seemed to always stand out to me and many others...is that we  believe in waiting to have sex until marriage.

Living in Utah, not participating in sexual activities wasn't a big deal to me. Since there are a lot of Mormons in Utah, it was widely acceptable to practice abstinence. When high school hit me, sex was on my mind and in my thoughts. I hit puberty. It seemed like a wave of over-excited hormones came upon me and I suddenly became a lot more interested in sex.

The first sex scene I saw was on The Notebook. The first song I heard about sex was by Tim McGraw & Faith Hill, Let's Make Love. I remember singing it around my house when I was a kid, my parents always telling me to stop. I never really understood why. Media played a huge role in me becoming more interested about sex. I began constantly thinking about sharing that special moment with someone I truly loved. I always knew there was something special about finding someone you love, sharing that intimate sacred moment with them, and being with them forever. even after death.

Though it always interested me, my goal had always been to marry a worthy man in the Mormon temple and to not participate in any sexual activities until I was legally & lawfully wedded. At the age of 16 years old, a boy came and swept me off my feet. He was charming, flirtatious, and especially romantic. Boy served a 2-year LDS mission and I waited for him. When he returned, I was sure I would marry him.

To put in simple and brief words, boy and I dated for over a year. I found out boy had a heavy addiction to pornography. After trying to work with him through it and try to get his addiction conquered, he began to try and perform the things he was watching on the internet with me. He told me that if I loved him, I could show him by having sex with him. It was completely devastating and hurtful. Fortunately, I was strong. I withheld. After many breakups, then getting back together, and wanting the heartache to finally come to a halt, we broke up. for good. and we didn't get back together.

Sex was still on my mind. To be honest, I believe it's on every virgin teen's mind. After feeling complete heartache and pain, I was still excited for that day to come when I would experience that special moment with the man I loved. I couldn't wait to experience the love country songs talk about and the kind of love chick flicks always represent. I needed the type of love that gave me constant butterflies & allowed me to grin during lip lock because of how surreal it was.

Lucky lucky me, I found him. And I loved him with my whole heart. We got married in the Salt Lake City temple to be together for time and all eternity. We got married to start a family. Sex was on my mind a little, of course it was. I couldn't wait to marry him. I couldn't wait to show him how much I loved him on our wedding night.